I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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