Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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