did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My vagina is very pro this idea
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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