Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
