I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
