We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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