I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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