My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
