Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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