I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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