I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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