If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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