Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
