she looked like the bat from fern gully.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I am one with the molecules
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
