Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
