hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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