just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
