if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
