I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
