He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
