she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
