I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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