just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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