Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
