1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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