I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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