I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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