i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
