My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
