I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
