apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
