dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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