Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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