Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
