Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
