You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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