just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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