I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hippo gnu deer
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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