I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
