I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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