I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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