trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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