i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
