this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
