Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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