I accidentally had phone sex last night
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
