Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
