Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
