And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
