I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
