i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Girls should come with a carfax report
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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