During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
