i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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