Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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