Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
