I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
