if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
