Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
