Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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