I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
