I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
