mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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