i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize