New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize